The past week or so has been a hard one. At first it was just little things that would come up, and then it became some hard realities that I had to face. Things I know, but suddenly they all creep up on you all at once.
Have you ever missed someone that was a part of your life? For some reason or another they aren't now, and even though they aren't you still miss them and think about them? I do this alot. My problem isn't that...my hard reality was that I realized the reasons why we aren't "apart" of each others lives anymore. We are in a limited way but nothing like it was. I realized that the person I miss didn't and doesn't exist to me. That person is gone. So that person that I missed I now know was actually pretty toxic to me, and my family. They tore me down alot, they picked fights over silly things, and made me feel bad for things that were actually good things in my life. Is that really a friend? I think not. So its been hard cause who wants to realize that a friendship that they once thought they knew or needed, wasn't one at all. Its sad....
Then its been things that have come up...like conversations that have taken place that you know you are in the right about or that you heard someone correctly and then to find out that someone has changed there story or they tell you what you want to hear. I hate that.
I hate that people think that they can treat or talk to me anyway that they want. I hate that I think I cant say anything. I hate conflict and I hate hurting peoples feelings, but hey, what about mine?
My brother Brandon made a choice a while back ago that was both hard and completely beneficial to everyone, and he made the right decision...150% but it bothers me and hurts me to think that he doubts that, that other people make him question himself or what he decided. Instead of supporting him and being behind him, they say nothing or support other parties involved. I hate watching him hurt and watch their family suffer the repercussions of the others involved, its not fair and it bothers me. Instead of saying something though...we all sit back for the fear of conflict or tension and take it. Why do we do this?
I just feel like all that I knew is not what it was. I feel differently and I feel like maybe now, who knows maybe Ive finally had enough and I will start defending myself, one can only hope right?